seveneightfive exclusive

785: Ruprecht Roosterdamus, the world famous Psychic Chicken, thanks for letting us interview you for seveneightfive. Your fans have been clamoring to learn more about you.
RR: I’m a very private chicken normally, but for seveneightfive? No problem!

785: When did you find out about your psychic abilities?
RR: I guess I always knew. Even as an egg, I could tell if it was going to rain or if a cat was nearby, stuff like that. Sorta like asking when did ya first notice ya could smell stuff.

785: Even more impressive, where did you learn English and typing?
RR: Well, Bucko, since I can read minds, it was pretty easy to match the words with the meanings. Only people lie so much I used to think “ya look great in that outfit” really meant “holy crap, yer ass looks like a trash bag full of toasters!” Typing is natural for chickens. We peck, therefore we are.

785: Why use your psychic powers to give people advice? Why not just pick the lotto numbers and be rich on a beach somewhere?
RR: No way! True psychics never use their powers to help themselves. Their powers will abandon them like a South Carolina governor’s wife. Or Sarah Palin’s dignity, or Dick Cheney’s, uh, but I digress…

785: Truthfully–the blue feathers, is that a dye job?
RR: All psychic chickens are blue, Bucko, but I have been thinking about getting some highlights. Whadaya think?

785: Any plans for settling down and having lots of little blue psychic chicks?
RR: Oh, I have tons of offers of course, thousands actually—truckloads—but would that be fair to my female and bi-curious fans? To deprive their lives of any meaning would be so, well, cruel. No, I think I’ll just have to keep playing the field and letting their dreams live on.

785: If you weren’t telling horoscopes and running your website, what would you be doing right now?
RR: Well, I always wanted to be Pharoah. Great pay and benefits. Cool hats, too.

785: Ever feel like going into KFC and giving the Colonel a piece of your mind?
RR: I know they do livers and gizzards, but brains? That’s disgusting. Oh, wait… ya meant that figuratively? Well, the Colonel has been dead for a few years now, but when he shows up now and then in one of my seances, he’s pretty cool for an old dead chicken murdering bastard. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)

785: You think one day you could replace that guy from The Mentalist?
RR: Only if they get their ratings up. I have standards ya know. I’m more of a Burn Notice kinda chicken. Bruce Campbell RULES! (Shop smart, shop S-Mart!)

RR: Hey, I hate to illuminate and run, but I’m getting a strong feeling that I need to get back out there to save the world again. See ya!

If you have a question for Ruprecht, send it to reprecht@PsychicChicken.com. Questions he uses in his Prognosticatio column in seveneightfive will receive a free, Psychic Chicken tshirt. You can also visit him at his website.